I have the kind of brain that likes to think, ponder and try to work things out; not like maths or science stuff unfortunately but people; what they say, what they do and why and how it seems to me. Often this is late at night when all I want is sleep. Things prey on my mind so much that I thought I might try writing stuff down to see if there is any kind of catharsis in doing so.
The thing that is on my mind at the moment is women and girls and the way they talk about themselves. It is hard when you grow up within a culture to look at it from the outside but my upbringing being not quite like most people's (mostly in a good way) and me having a little bit of an epiphany about myself in the past few years has I feel enabled me to step back and begin to examine some of the type of behaviour which I used to take part in.
I know there are all the jokes about women and the whole 'does my bum look big in this' shtick, then there are the very real and upsetting worries and inadequacies people (but for the purposes of my blog women) have about themselves. This is not about that; I have had my fair share of those, mostly I have conquered them but on days (like today) when I am hormonal or under stress they can still pop up. The stuff that bothers me is the way that women and through them girls will use these inadequacies as currency; like there is a prize for feeling the worst about yourself and the quicker you point it out, the bigger that prize will get. Sit with a group of women for a while and almost inevitably, someone will mention feeling fat, someone will then say how much weight they have put on, one will start talking about how much her boobs have dropped and on it goes. None of this is said with rancour or regret, often there is laughter and a great deal of one-upmanship.
I used to do it too and part of me thinks it is harmless fun but something my daughter said to me made me feel even more sure that it is anything but - despite the intention. She said that in her class, girls who let me just say are fourteen - will do the same; I am fat, I have so much cellulite, my boobs are too big, small and on and on and on. It made me wonder, do they really feel that or do they see their parents doing it and rightly see the way we use our insecurities as currency and think that is what grown ups do? I think it is so, I think it is learned behaviour and it makes us look bad. Just to re-iterate, this is not about having insecurities or talking about them to our nearest and dearest but rather the parading for all to see in a way that I find bizarre. When I meet new people, I don't want them to see my insecurities, I want to show my best side, the one that is funny and clever and strong and political with flicky hair and a winning smile (thanks Sam). I want them to know about my fab family and friends and the work and personal achievements I am very proud of. So when I meet them I won't point out the things I like less about myself - why would I? Those things are my problem and I choose to have people see me through their own filter and not my own sometimes messed up one!
I don't think men do this, again, not saying men don't have insecurities but I don't see them parade them around the way women often do. I just don't think it is part of the way men learn to talk to each other.
Well that is what I am thinking about at the moment, it does feel better to get that out of my head. I do want my daughter to have an alternative way of thinking of herself than just the sum total of her body parts and I am trying to emulate that. We all have our demons but we can help ourselves I think by recognising them as such and not letting them become our identity badges.
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