Feminism has become the new dirty word

Gosh, the world confuses me sometimes.  I don't know why this is so but it is - The Guardian which is my paper of choice of many years has the most vociferous anti-feminist comments after any article that even suggests in any way that women are disadvantaged by...well anything!  It upsets me as no-one commenting would ever any longer argue with the need for equality for people based on their sexuality or their race but somehow gender is no longer up for discussion.  The feeling is that women are just obsessively making a fuss and trying to make life difficult now, honestly - if you think that sounds weird - check out any article talking about any gender issue and you would be amazed!

What is is that makes the men that make these comments feel that way I wonder?  It is men that comment, women seem to just stay away, knowing that these type of comments dominate in this type of forum.  What is it about the concept of feminism that is so hard to take for some people?  The dictionary defines a feminist as one who supports feminism, this being defined as the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of equality of the sexes.  So again I ask why this is so hard to take?  If there is equality for both sexes, doesn't that just make the world better for all of us?  Just like fighting for equality for those who are non white to non heterosexual does.  The thing is, equality is not like a cake which will run out, there is as much as you could need for everyone, it is like love in that respect, love breeds love and in the same way, equality can breed equality.

I have a few theories why some men and some women have problem with the concept:

1/ They don't understand it; some people think it means forcing men and women to be the same.  This is just not true, equality of choices doesn't mean everyone has to be the same but rather that they can choose from a broader menu than the stifling one considered appropriate for their sex.  This makes life better for all of us, women who may want to be plumbers and men who may want to be nursery school teachers to give a slightly flip example.

2/ I find this hard to believe but some people may still believe that feminism still brings with it the hairy-legged lesbian trope and don't want to identify with that.

3/ They believe that men and women have equality already so the fight is over.  We have come a long, long way and I am the first to point out how much better life has become for women, gay people and non-white ethnic groups in any discussion.  This does not mean that all is well when society still is set up in a way that does not offer equality of opportunity to all of us.  Even if you could argue that in the UK that is no longer true (which I would disagree with), look around the world and you will see some truly stunning examples of the way women are disadvantaged by the culture they live in.

So, my invitation is to come and join me in the lovely warm pool of kind, inclusive, humanist feminism, just like all the isms I believe in, it will make life more lovely for us all and who can argue with that?

Using our inadequacies as currency

I have the kind of brain that likes to think, ponder and try to work things out; not like maths or science stuff unfortunately but people; what they say, what they do and why and how it seems to me.  Often this is late at night when all I want is sleep.  Things prey on my mind so much that I thought I might try writing stuff down to see if there is any kind of catharsis in doing so.

The thing that is on my mind at the moment is women and girls and the way they talk about themselves.  It is hard when you grow up within a culture to look at it from the outside but my upbringing being not quite like most people's (mostly in a good way) and me having a little bit of an epiphany about myself in the past few years has I feel enabled me to step back and begin to examine some of the type of behaviour which I used to take part in.

I know there are all the jokes about women and the whole 'does my bum look big in this' shtick, then there are the very real and upsetting worries and inadequacies people (but for the purposes of my blog women) have about themselves.  This is not about that; I have had my fair share of those, mostly I have conquered them but on days (like today) when I am hormonal or under stress they can still pop up.  The stuff that bothers me is the way that women and through them girls will use these inadequacies as currency; like there is a prize for feeling the worst about yourself and the quicker you point it out, the bigger that prize will get.  Sit with a group of women for a while and almost inevitably, someone will mention feeling fat, someone will then say how much weight they have put on, one will start talking about how much her boobs have dropped and on it goes.  None of this is said with rancour or regret, often there is laughter and a great deal of one-upmanship.

I used to do it too and part of me thinks it is harmless fun but something my daughter said to me made me feel even more sure that it is anything but - despite the intention.  She said that in her class, girls who let me just say are fourteen - will do the same; I am fat, I have so much cellulite, my boobs are too big, small and on and on and on.  It made me wonder, do they really feel that or do they see their parents doing it and rightly see the way we use our insecurities as currency and think that is what grown ups do?  I think it is so, I think it is learned behaviour and it makes us look bad.  Just to re-iterate, this is not about having insecurities or talking about them to our nearest and dearest but rather the parading for all to see in a way that I find bizarre.  When I meet new people, I don't want them to see my insecurities, I want to show my best side, the one that is funny and clever and strong and political with flicky hair and a winning smile (thanks Sam).  I want them to know about my fab family and friends and the work and personal achievements I am very proud of.  So when I meet them I won't point out the things I like less about myself - why would I?  Those things are my problem and I choose to have people see me through their own filter and not my own sometimes messed up one!

I don't think men do this, again, not saying men don't have insecurities but I don't see them parade them around the way women often do.  I just don't think it is part of the way men learn to talk to each other.

Well that is what I am thinking about at the moment, it does feel better to get that out of my head.  I do want my daughter to have an alternative way of thinking of herself than just the sum total of her body parts and I am trying to emulate that.  We all have our demons but we can help ourselves I think by recognising them as such and not letting them become our identity badges.